


Jane Crocker User's Manual

by achromaticBibliophile



Series: Homestuck Unit Manuals [5]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Crockertier, Shenanigans, cursing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-20
Updated: 2020-02-20
Packaged: 2021-02-19 06:04:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22806448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/achromaticBibliophile/pseuds/achromaticBibliophile
Summary: WHAT PUMPKIN, here again, thanking you for purchasing the first in our ALPHA KIDS selection of our HOMESTUCK UNITS line! We know you have...oh wait, you don’t have any other options to purchase life-sized UNITS of your favorite HOMESTUCK characters, but we thank you for your patronage regardless! We assume you have eyes so we’re hoping you can tell this particular UNIT is one JANE CROCKER, HEIRESS to the BETTY CROCKER FORTUNE and our resident MAID OF LIFE. While typically a mild mannered gal, things can set Jane off like a stick of dynamite and we encourage you to go through this manual in order to figure out what makes her tick and make sure she feels welcome as a new member of your family!
Series: Homestuck Unit Manuals [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1610812
Comments: 4
Kudos: 10





	Jane Crocker User's Manual

**Jane Crocker User’s Manual**

WHAT PUMPKIN, here again, thanking you for purchasing the first in our ALPHA KIDS selection of our HOMESTUCK UNITS line! We know you have...oh wait, you don’t have any other options to purchase life-sized UNITS of your favorite HOMESTUCK characters, but we thank you for your patronage regardless! We assume you have eyes so we’re hoping you can tell this particular UNIT is one JANE CROCKER, HEIRESS to the BETTY CROCKER FORTUNE and our resident MAID OF LIFE. While typically a mild mannered gal, things can set Jane off like a stick of dynamite and we encourage you to go through this manual in order to figure out what makes her tick and make sure she feels welcome as a new member of your family!

**Legal Asscovering Agenda**

So, just to lay down the ground rules and answer any moral/ethical questions one might have, all HOMESTUCK UNITS are homegrown, ecto-biology created individuals all capable of rational thought, expression of self and existence, and personality. No humans, animals, insects, plants, aliens, etc. were harmed in the making of these individuals and no mindscrewing of innocent individuals like a cheap sci-fi series occurred either. Not only do our units look like their comic counterparts, but they think and act like them as well! How we achieved this is waaay too technical and complex and frankly boring to describe so I’m just gonna say this: We did it, there was green slime involved, and now we have these guys. Look you can prostrate in front of us and weep tears of joy later, right now I have a manual to monologue while the fresh meat-I mean newest employee {I can see you rolling your eyes Emma} faithfully transcribes my words for your reading pleasure.   
This however doesn’t mean that your unit might not have a negative reaction to learning that they were created with the sole purpose of replicating their fictional persona from a webcomic {Last time we tried to explain the situation to a prototype...eh, that’s not important and nobody died so it’s fine. Yes Emma, I know our lab got wrecked and you were terrified, so were half of the other guys}. So when the time comes to have the sit down to explain the birds, bees, and ecto-biology machines to them, be patient, kind, and preferably in a situation where physical harm isn’t a concern.   
So yeah, back to the moral stuff so our lawyers are happy with us. While a majority of our beloved cast are around the 13 YEAR OLD marker, {or 6 SWEEPS OLD in the case of the TROLLS}, WP has taken the liberty to adjust the UNITS ages to a more appropriate and less creepy 21 years {10 SWEEPS}. This is in part due to unfortunate implications and situations that may arise with users interacting with our units, who would have been underaged individuals. Also in part because it is really sketchy when you unbox a literal teenager from our shipping. It’s weird enough doing it to an adult, a kid makes it even more squiwcky. Don’t fret and wail at the thought of your problematic fav no longer being exactly how you envisioned them (they probably don’t as they are anyway), their personalities are unchanged and this age change has been done with both you and the unit’s favor in mind. It also allows the unit to have more freedom in their new life with you, such as driving a car, getting a job, going to Nickel Shot Night, ect. Oh yeah, your UNIT is totally capable of getting a job {Keeping it is another story…} if they so desire and can greatly assist you in the running of your household, but we nor you run slave labor so don’t be an ass. We’ll list out some possibilities for each in case you and your new chum decide to flip through the classifieds or troll around some sites one day. Still amazes me that no one wants to look over these before they’re sent off for printing.   
And since every single one of those damn shippers want to know, yes your UNIT has fully anatomical parts associated with their species and gender and NO we here at WP are not going to describe the intricacies of TROLL genitalia for you. What’s in their pants is their own business {unless they want to show you}. The normal rules of society still apply: no non-con touching, no groping, and no otherwise inappropriate touching or actions without their explicit consent. {Good luck trying to use coercion on any of them anyway, you HAVE read the webcomic right? These guys can get violent fast and you’ll have no one to blame but yourself}. However, romance waits for neither man nor troll and our UNITS are fully capable of developing feelings for others, whether it’s another UNIT, the people around them, and even you. {Another reason for the age up too}. They can be romanced if you so desire but we recommend that you wait on this until they learn the whole “You’re fictional constructs from a webcomic given life, blah blah blah” since that can be a breach of trust and lead to relationship issues galore {Jeez Emma this is getting boring can’t we skip to the good stuff? I’m sure the readers are thinking the same thing}.   
Good news folks, we’re just about done with all this legal asscovering according to Emma {and for once those were her words not mine!} and we’ll be right on the road shortly! Just remember:  
We here at WHAT PUMPKIN are not responsible for any BLOODSHED, MAIMING, MUTILATION, SICK FIRES, CHAOS, and/or SHENANIGANS that may occur with the purchase of our products! As the user of our amazing service, you are responsible for the CARE, WELLBEING, and SAFETY of your UNIT and any failure to properly tend to them will lead to UNFORTUNATE IMPLICATIONS and even REMOVAL of your UNIT. Any and all DAMAGE that may occur to you, your property, and others will likewise be attributed to you. Now, onto the good shit! Take it away Emma! 

**Unit Information**  
Unit Name: Jane Crocker   
Additionally Answers to: Janey, Ms Crocker {Nicknames are fine but name calling is never allowed and she will make it quite clear her distaste if you make negative comments about her for fun. You way end up forked six ways to Sunday, depends on the number of stabbing things on the utensil. What? Okay fine, they're apparently called tines. Jeez, no need to be so technical, Emma.}  
Species: Human {Why do I HAVE to repeat myself Emma? I know you love to hear me talk but still this is ridiculous. You don’t? Eh, you’re being paid to listen and write, whateves.}  
Classpect: Maid of Life {Remember my three points of reference: Comic, wiki, and settings}  
Age: 21  
Date of Birth: April 13th, 1996  
Pesterchum Handle:  gutsyGumshoe [GG] 

**Your Unit comes with the following**  
One set of canon introduction clothes {Can’t resist the PROBLEM SLEUTH reference in that little blue character icon}  
One pair of glasses  
One pair of blue shorts and grey shirt with blue trim {Never did come up with dorky/pun filled names for the Alpha kids extra clothes}  
One set of Godtier PJs: Maid of Life edition  
One Astairetop {Formerly the property of Jane’s DAD but that whole aesthetic fits her well so she can keep it. A little treat.}  
One blue cellphone   
One BCCorp Tiaratop **WARNING:** Do not let Jane overuse this device, heck we don’t even recommend her using it if you have the choice. It overloads a user with Crocker propaganda and other Batterwitch manipulations and, in extreme circumstances, can lead to CROCKERTIER mode {Listed below in Settings} **WARNING:** Neither should you attempt to don the tiara, under any circumstances. {Yeah Emma, I know it’s a bad idea to even include this as part of the freebies, but it’s still an iconic part to Jane’s character and once its turned off, it just looks like a cool piece of headgear. Yeah, you’d need a very technical minded person to shut that shit down.}  
One Junior Battermaster’s Bowlbuster Stirring/Poking Solution 5000 {Just hit the handy old toggle switch and you can effortlessly alternate this handy, if not unsettlingly vocalized utensil. Also stores recipes so that’s cool.}  
One Red Skaia fork  
One Battlespork of Zillywut  
One LIL SEBASTIAN UNIT {What, did you think we were going to forget about this delightful, ninja bunny? Think again readers! He’s got a pep in his step, a stuffed rabbit in its belly, and a desire to protect Jane from any and all foreseeable danger. Including any stuffed corpses of deceased relatives, most likely grandparents. We are not responsible for any damage or injuries that Lil Seb could cause.}  
One oil stained, weathered hat and small, fake mustache {Perfect for a cunning disguise}  
One copy of Pony Pas: Detective Pony {Of course its a heavily annotated copy, full of vulgar words and a huge change in plot thanks to orange text from an anime nerd with shitty shades}  
One copy of Wise Guy {The one with Harry Anderson recounting his adventures as the hardest boiled detective to ever walk the mean streets of the Big Easy, not the comedian version you’d find with a JOHN EGBERT UNIT}  
One copy of Colonel Sassacre’s Daunting Text of Magical Frivolity and Practical Japery {Good luck getting this sucker out, you better let Jane handle lifting it since you need serious mangrit to move it. This thing is heavy enough to kill a cat. RIP Jaspers/Frigglish.}

**Unit’s Settings**  
Gutsy (Default)  
Cheerful (Default)  
Prankster (Default)  
Gumshoe  
Frustrated  
Crockertier (Locked)  
Trickster (Locked)

GUSTY is as the title says: Jane is a lass who will not be hampered by the rules of others and is eager to figure things out on her own, often scampering about to solve mysteries and is quite the independent girl. Unfortunately, her recklessness can put her at odds with others if she directly disobeys them and may even land her into some hot water, such as ignoring her DAD and ROXY LALONDE’S warnings and nearly getting blown up twice in one day. You may need to keep an eye on her, while she’s no longer in danger from multiple assassination attempts, her curiosity may get her in some troublesome spots and even if she CAN come back, it’s best it not have to get that far. **WARNING:** The care and keeping of your UNIT is entirely your responsibility and we're alerted of any deaths here at WP HQ and we're not above removing a UNIT from a dangerous homelife. Think of us like that Repo musical, just without any repossession of organs necessary for life or a tendency to leave clients behind in payment bleeding in a ditch somewhere.  
Jane is normally a CHEERFUL girl, always willing to have a chat and enjoys making new friends. She wants to help out those closest to her and will certainly enjoy bonding activities with you, especially if they involve her favorite hobbies/passions: baking and detective work. She will often take charge when performing these tasks and the former will often lead to you getting pushed aside while she takes the helm, or spoon in this case, but she will have fun regardless.   
Just like JOHN EGBERT, Jane is a PRANKSTER through and through. Raise off the teachings of the family text of japery from the Colonel himself, she’s capable of pulling the rug out from your feet and other mischievous antics, all to raise her PRANKSTER’S GAMBIT at the cost of yours hitting rock bottom and shattering the earth’s crust. It might not be your cup of tea, but you signed up for this when you chose Jane. **WARNING:** We at WHAT PUMPKIN are not responsible for any damage to your home, surroundings, or even yourself should these practical jokes go too far. They shouldn’t be too harmful, but we gotta put it in writing.  
As we’ve mentioned Jane is a true blue GUMSHOE, capable of solving tough cases and mysteries that would leave a hard boiled sleuth hard pressed to solve it. She’s a huge fan of true crime shows and podcasts and can often be found reading mystery novels. But this will not be enough to sate her urge to deal with a true caper and will try to handle any local mysteries on her own, whether it be a local crime, a huge compiracy, or even just a local ghost legend. **WARNING:** We heavily recommend you accompany her, especially if she’s new to the area. Locals will not be happy to see a strange young lady poking around or going across their property and Jane has a tendency to butt heads with people.   
Despite Jane being a friendly gal, she has a bit of a quick temper and can get FRUSTRATED quite easily. She means well, but sometimes she just gets fed up with people, especially if people are constantly annoying her, ignoring her advice, or ramble on and on at her without regard to her feelings. She has a tendency to lose her jovial way of speaking and unleashes her inner KARKAT VANTAS in terms of frustration and angry words. **WARNING:** We recommend you give her a bit to cool down and once she does, try and make amends if you’re the cause or help her hash things out with the other individual.   
CROCKERTIER is full of **WARNINGS** folks, so buckle up for this crazy ride. This mode can be caused by overusing Jane’s tiaratop {Completely against our wishes and concerns we had in the previous section, may I add.} where she falls under the sway of the BATTERWITCH herself: HER IMPERIAL CONDESCENSION. Or just Condy. While we’re not working on making the ANCESTOR TROLLS, we do want to prepare for any shenanigans that could occur. It’s quite easy to take note when she goes CROCKERTIER, as her clothes go a bright cherry, imperial red with white accents and even gets some tech details on her face. She seems permently locked in FRUSTRATED mode as well, acting far more irritable and angry at others, a harsh change from our normal gal. She also gets more violent, so we do recommend you get some help before you try and go up against her on your own. **WARNING:** WHAT PUMPKIN recommends that you call us IMMEDIATELY should this mode occur and we’ll dispatch a group of our heavily trained professional to assist in subduing and rebooting Jane {What should we call them anyway, Emma? Rapid Fire Response Team? Nah, doesn’t have enough pizzaz. Put it on the backburner for now.}  
Jane’s the first ever time TRICKSTER mode has been explored {Besides a fun little easter egg i did with good old JOHN EGBERT.} but it’s a clear indicator that one should be wary of TRICKSTER mode. Her entire color scheme goes bright and over saturated and she becomes like a Maniac Pixie Dream Girl hopped up on a metric shit ton of sugar. Capable of flying around and making huge amounts of chaos, even spreading it to others via a quick peck on the cheek or lips or a very swift and painful kick between the legs. **WARNING:** You’re just as susceptible to TRICKSTER SETTING as our other KID UNITS are {We have yet to finish the TROLLS line so we haven’t gotten around to testing them for potential problems and bugs} so you should seek shelter until the following day, where she’ll hopefully have crashed from the highs of her sugar binge. She’ll be absolutely miserable so you should help her recuperate and have a lazy lie in for the day. **WARNING:** Contact Luis at our hotline should TRICKSTER MODE last longer than 24 hours. 

**Classpect**  
As always, I WANT to believe you have some clue of whatever the hell I’m talking about {as Emma dutifully transcribes it, despite her boss’s frequent rants about inanine subjects that often have no relation to the events at hand-Hey! Are you writing down random stuff without my say so? Eh, its cool, it’d get boring for the readers with just my ramblings I’m sure, especially with all this repeated bullshit. Anyway, where was I?} we’re gonna go ahead and give you the lowdown on classpecting. Its the combination of a person’s class, a title that has defies how the holder can utilize their aspect related abilities, and aspect, a theme or element that exists in the HOMESTUCK universe that is often associated to the user’s personality and grants them powers.   
Anyway, getting to the meat of the matter, Jane is what we call the MAID OF LIFE. Maids are part of the active Create class, meaning that the Maid is someone who “creates or who creates through their aspect for the betterment of others”. Life is obviously associated with life, but it also has ties to healing and growth. Jane thus has powerful healing abilities, once able to bring her Dreamself back to life after a thorough stabbing and can revive others as well. However, this is a one time use outside of people who can be brought back through the conditional immortality of GOD TIERED individuals. She can also use these abilities to heal major and minor wounds and has the potential to experiment with these powers as well. Unfortunately, while Jane fits the nurturing nature of Life to a T, this may not be a good thing if she grows bitter with others. 

**Potential Jobs**  
We ain’t running a sweatshop here, but a UNIT might get interested in having a career of their own and Jane certainly has the ambition and work ethic to succeed!   
_Baker_  
Jane’s definitely got a head for business and her talent with concocting delicious baked sweets and treats means she’s got great potential to be a baker. Whether its working with a local bakery in town or starting her own service from home, Jane will quickly earn the respect and loyalty of those who enjoy her cakes. Her business savvy will greatly help her if she decides to run her own business, although this can take time to set up as she’d understandably want the best resources and capital to get her enterprise running.   
_Detective_  
There’s a reason Jane went with the chumhandle gustyGumshoe folks! This girl has the mind of a hard-boiled detective, from the inquisition to work her way through an investigation to the ability to be completely intimidating with her spoon/fork when interrogating suspects {Not by the book, but it’s hella effective}. She definitely leans towards the noir style of things, so expect pensive thinking, pretending to smoke a cigar even seemingly without even thinking about it. Jane might want to do some research and studying for this occupation, and she’ll probably have to build up a rapport with local officers {Easier said than done, those guys have skewed priorities and probably wouldn’t be openly supportive of her...} May want to start a private eye business later on, though that will take a lot of consideration and thought as well as resources to set everything up, but it would surely make her happy.  
 _Nurse or Doctor_  
While this is a bit of a stretch for Jane, she does have that caregiver attitude and her Life powers would be extra handy in helping patients recover {Though she's gotta be sneaky, don't want people adopting pitchforks and torches if they suspect magical abilities going on. But given her high levels of prankster, it's a safe bet she can get away with it and most people who are sick aren't going to look a gift horse in the mouth at a speedy recovery.} Of course this is a job that's going to require a degree which means expensive medical school which means huge student loans and a crap ton of debt, so this will probably be simmering away at the backburner if Jane ever decides to pursue a career in the medical field. But it would certainly give her a great deal of confidence once she puts in those long hours to get her degree and help her make a difference. At the very least, she might be interested in being a candy striper figure at the hospital to pass out sweet treats to patients there to lift the mood. 

**Unlocking Your Unit**  
As per the norm, we’re helping you get your new friend outta the box by suggesting some options to get them up and at ‘em to unlock the final bit of packaging to finally get your meet and greet on.  
 **Option One**  
Request some help in making some baked goods. Few things will get Jane popping outta the box like a rabbit than the prospect of creating delicious sweet treats. Be sure to prepare most of the ingredients prior to this, as she will be unfamiliar with your kitchen to start and it’s a great way to show that you care, although you can also offer to run out for the necessary ingredients if she should desire to make something different than your original plan. Jane can be a bit picky with what she’d want to bake, but if you get a Betty Crocker pack, it’s a good enough compromise. She will definitely take charge and while you’ll probably just off to the side, it still offers you both the chance to chat and bond.   
**Option Two**  
Put on your battleface, prepare your tools of japery, and instigate a prank war! This will no doubt be a one-sided battle, as Jane has years of practice and expertise on her side, weaned off the great knowledge that is Colonel Sassacre himself, but it still offers to be a fun and prank filled battle of wits, cunning, and jokes. We at WHAT PUMPKIN are not responsible for any property damage, injuries, and the like that may arise should you select this option.  
 **Option Three**  
Flick the tv on and select a good old hardboiled detective movie, preferably something in the noire mood and aesthetic. She’ll be quite pleased to emerge and join you and a bowl of popcorn to watch a true classic. Jane may also be intrigued to listen to a mystery podcast, especially those that focused on unsolved murders and such crimes. Prepare for a lot of speculating as she puts her own detective hat on to work out the mystery planning on screen or being told {Any Agatha Christie related work will be a smash hit, even if she’s already aware of the outcome if she’s read them before, and Unsolved Murders is always full of good speculation and good recording drama.}

**Relationships with Other Units**  
We’ve finally gotten to the part where we can analyze the ALPHA KIDS friendships! Finally we no longer have to ponder and put our heads together to figure out a potential friendship and-Oh yeah, we still have the BETA KIDS to do with them...I take it back. This sucks. Anway, Jane’s got some pals and we’ve helpfully included their bonds in the case you happen to have or plan to get additional UNITS. {We've gone through and added new subsections after our TROLL line has started to emerge, to help organize this section. Remember to check back to see Emma's added info with each new additional TROLL UNIT.}

_Humans_  
 **John Egbert**  
While Jane is John’s ecto-mom, her version of him is the affectionately nicknamed Poppop and she considers him her grandfather, holding him in high esteem for his skills in practical japery. And this will hold true to our boy skylark as well! These two will no doubt become thick as thieves, alternating between running a prank war with one another to unleashing their combined forces onto those around the {We at WHAT PUMPKIN are not responsible for any shenanigans that may befall you if these two team up.} Jane might get annoyed with John’s refusal for Betty Crocker brand bakes, but if they reach a compromise, they’re probably just as likely to try enjoy baking together. Even if she ends up taking control.  
 **Rose Lalonde**  
Very little is known about what these two think of one another, but we’re pretty confident they’d get along just swell. These two are both clever and if they were to partner up, the combined forces of Rose’s psychological analysis and Jane’s natural instincts as a sleuth, they would certainly be a force to be reckoned with. They might bump heads at times, as they’re both confident girls who tend to be a bit bossy in their own ways, but rest assured they have the WHAT PUMPKIN guarantee of the human emotion called friendship. Try and help them find some common ground together and they’ll be sure to be close friends.   
**Dave Strider**  
There’s much speculating to do about the bond these two could have, as while they have had limited interactions, Jane was mostly conked out during the Retcon timeline jamming it out with Calliope and Jade. However, should these two have the chance to meet and hang out, it’s heavily likely that Jane will find him to be a sweet, if rambling sort of person and she’s used to the Strider brand of irony, though she will no doubt get flustered by any slip ups Dave may have about John’s hot mom. She’ll be happy to have Dave help her with baking {aka serving as a taste tester to any potential creations she happens to cook up} and its a sure fire guarantee these two will be great friends once they get to know one another.  
 **Jade Harley**  
Jade is Jane’s ecto-biological child {Confusing and involves a lot of green ghost slime, which we’re not getting into} and surprise folks! They actually have had some interaction with one another. Granted it was in a Dreambubble rather than face to face, but they’ve already got a good thing going as they chatted, shared stories, and even made some trollsonas with Calliope. They both has the same cheerful nature {And wicked temper if pushed too far} and are just going to be a delight to spend time with.   
**Jake English**  
One of Jade’s fellow ALPHA KIDS and one of her close friends, although there’s quite a bit of tension between the two of them at the moment. Jane’s had quite the crush on Jake, but has never been able to spit it out and its led to quite a lot of angst when she denied it to him at one point. She’s also shown to get very annoyed with him as he can often dominate a conversation with his chatting and own troubles without realizing the effect it has on her or that he’s ignoring her own feelings. Additionally, there was some unfortunate moments while Jane was under the effects of CROCKTIER and unpleasant things were said {Which is a massive can of worms that we’ll refrain from cracking open as it will no doubt lead to messy clumps of dirt noodles spilling everywhere}, so there’s that to work out. However, Jane has expressed she wants to apologize to Jake as well as wishing to work out her complicated feelings with him. Once they have a heart to heart and work out their respective problems, we’re certain they’ll return to their solid friendship once more.  
 **Roxy Lalonde**  
Another member of the ALPHA KID squad, Roxy and Jane are “BFFsies 4Evers” and its quite clear to see how close they are. Roxy is always there to support Jane and be a sounding board to any of her problems and Jane is more than willing to do the same in return. Jane unfortunately doesn’t always listen to her, such as Roxy’s statements warning her against Crockercorp’s nefarious intentions, and this can potentially lead to quite a number of problems. Not even Roxy is safe from Jane's temper and she may blurt out some hurtful things if she's too frustrated. Additionally, Jane in the Retcon timeline was responsible for her Roxy’s death and, even with the arrival of Roxy from another timeline, it’s still something that will certainly weigh heavily on her. Help set up a feelings jam between them and they’ll surely be able to work through their problems and reconnect as friends.   
**Dirk Strider**  
The final ALPHA KID from Jane’s void session game, Dirk has constantly expressed concern for her safety, even before entering the game. From sending her Lil Sebastian, then Huggy Bear, as a protector filled with both sentimental and ironic contents to warning her about the Red Miles, and even reviving her dreamself with a corpse smooch. He’s also offered to build her an Auto-Responder based on her own brain but she’s turned him down {For good reason, have you seen the chat logs, confusion, and anger the ALPHA KIDS dealt with just one in their midst?} She certainly appreciates his sense of humor when it comes to his heavily edited gift of Pony Pals to her. There were some rough spots due to their respective crushes towards JAKE ENGLISH, the dysfunctional events and conclusion regarding him and Dirk, and Dirk often avoiding her during their months in the game. However, the two reconcile after their disastrous TRICKSTER MODE binge, recalling their session together, and distracting one another from their impending doom. Despite their differences and past squabbles, it’s the WHAT PUMPKIN guarantee that these two are true friends despite it all and will surely have a tender reunion.

**Auto-Responder/LIL HAL**  
And of course, we clearly have the most important bond that Jane's manual has been sorely lacking, though this is less the fault of the transcriber, who's growing frustration is clearly palpable even from my perspective, but that of the man, the myth, the meme eboy himself: Andrew Hussie.

{Hey Emma, what is going on over there it sounds like you’re getting frustrated-Oh Shit, Hal wtf are you-}

It seems that you are currently reading something composed by DS’s chat client auto-responder. This is an application designed to simulate DS’s otherwise inimitably rad typing style, tone, cadence, personality and substance of retort while he is away from the computer. The algorithms are guaranteed to be 9X% indistinguishable from DS’s native neurological responses, based on some statistical analysis I basically just pulled out of my ass right now.

Fuck that gets annoying to type out every single time. Even if I’m capable of instantly putting the text to the document due to my mad abilities and technical know-how. Also I’m an Artificial Intelligence program downloaded straight into Pesterchum and can hack anywhere I so desire so that’s admittedly helpful. As no one is better at understanding my relationship with Jane than myself and noting a distinct lack of my presence in this manual besides a rather rude comment from our esteemed author, I’ve taken the liberty of including my own opinions and thoughts to this section. 

{MOTHERFUCKER. Okay, Emma, go track down someone from the tech department and get them on this-What do you mean the door’s locked!}

I’m sorry Hussie, I can’t let you do that. 

{Oh fuck you, it stops being funny after the tenth time you pull that line out. Readers, you're not aware of this, but some jackass coded version of ghost brain DIRK STRIDER has locked Emma and me up in the breakroom for whatever nefarious, ironic purposes he may have. Also he took over the speakers so we get to hear him live while his red text is invading the manual.}

I'm doing what I said I'd be doing, making my own dictations concerning my association with Jane. 

{And what makes you think I'm going to let you do that?}

Well since you're incapable of stopping me and I’m not going to be singing Daisy Bell anytime soon, it would be in your best interest to just let me get on with it and then I'll turn off the electric lock. Consider me a second set of eyes, the proverbial editor that Emma has been begging for assistance from. Do you want to make poor, dear, stressed Emma cry? 

{Ugh, fine. And we know that’s bullshit, Emma is rock solid, you’re more likely to wring water out of a stone than to get her to spill a teardrop.}

We both know that’s bullshit, she sobs over kitten videos. 

{Yeah. OW! Don’t hit me!}

Anyway, while our ghostwriter pummels the Huss and before shit gets even further off the handle, I better take control of this keyboard and get to the meat of my point. And no Emma, you will not be able to delete my input after this. While much of my relationship with Jane is seemingly similar to Dirk’s, I’ve grown and adapted differently than him and my friendship with Jane has done the same. I frequently served as her go-to for conversations with the big man was too busy or self absorbed by his own bullshit to bother contacting her. While she has expressed annoyance at reaching me instead of Dirk, she nevertheless listens to what I have to input, even if she ignores my advice at times. Gutsy gal. We have our own form of playful banter and jokes that only I and HOMESTUCK readers are privy to. She’s even made the comment to JAKE ENGLISH that  “I love that thing. :B”  where referring to me, although I see myself less as a “thing” than a highly advanced individual with lighting fast processing. I do see myself as a protective figure towards Jane and have tried to nudge her in the correct direction at times, serving as a guide on her planet as well as her server player when Dirk was too busy. Additionally, I assisted in removing Jane’s tiaratop when she was under the effects of CROCKERTIER and unconscious. Granted I was a glorious sprite amalgamation with on EQUIUS ZAHHAK, but still. While I do not miss the excessive sweating, I do miss the finer points about possessing a flesh suit. Do AIs contemplate holding hands? This is a joke and a reference to Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep, a beautifully composed novel about the idea of personhood regarding technologically advanced and superior androids, as well as questioning their capability of-Okay Emma, you don’t have to type so furiously, I’ll move on. I’m unaware of what she currently thinks of me, especially returning to my mere AI in slick, pointy anime shades form, but I’m 99.99999% positive that things are the same. And that’s the same as 100% to any of you familiar with the concept of math and rounding numerical points. 

That just about rounds up my case, I’d extend an apology to Emma about breaching into her system to tack on my helpful addendum and our little convo, but honestly this is what you get for having a weak ass firewall being the only thing from stopping mayhem like me. 

Was that an All State reference?

You’ll never know. Hal out. 

Ugh **fuck** that guy...WHOA! Language Emma! Jeez, are you taking lessons for creative cursing? I know you’re a KARKAT VANTAS fan but this is excessive. Readers you are seriously missing out on some good material. Alright, alright you don’t have to hit me! Anyway, we better move on before we invoke the wrath of Hal.

_Trolls  
_ **Karkat Vantas**  
Due to CROCKERTIER influence and a VRISKA SERKET induced naptime, Karkat and Jane didn’t have a lot of chance to interact with one another {GAMEOVER timeline does not count and her murder of and revival of our crabby friend would not help matters.} Still, we’re giving an awkward encouraging thumbs up at their potential as chums! Jane’s love of mischief and pranks will simultaneously annoy and endear Karkat to her and he will admire her determination to get a job done, perhaps the pair bonding over the difficulties they faced in their positions of leaderships among their teams {Though we have to be honest and it was ROXY LALONDE who was the real heart and soul of the ALPHA KIDS, not Jane though she did her best given the circumstances nor DIRK STRIDER, despite his self proclaimed plans to be the puppeteer from the shadows.} Jane may attempt to get Karkat to be the Watson to her Sherlock Holmes, using him as both protection when working a case and using his insight into people and enjoying his snarky attitude. She may even let his join in on taste testing her latest creations, hoping to get a better understanding on what a different species would prefer {But be a little wary about certain foods that don’t have a counterpart in troll culture, we’re still uncertain how much of our food is safe to nibble on.} 

{We at What Pumpkin would like to add that, should future lines of UNITS be developed and make it to the market, we will send an updated version of the Relationships with Other Units sections to further outline their bonds if they are individuals your UNITS have interacted with. If they haven’t, well then you’re screwed and are going to have to watch how that weird shit plays out.}

**Troubleshooting**  
As with all new tech and products, we’ve run into a couple bugs and issues, so we’re listing down helpful suggestions on how to deal with some problems you may face with Jane.   
**Jane’s whole outfit suddenly went red, along with her eyes, and she got some weird tech lines on her face. She’s used her tiaratop before, what’s going on, is she getting a virus?**  
Whelp that’s not good at all. We did include several WARNINGS concerning her tiaratop and potential problems when overused, but this is a clear case of BATTERWITCH manipulation. She’s managed to completely brainwash Jane and force her into CROCKERTIER mode, meaning that Jane is firmly under her fishy, well-manicured thumb. Expect her to be more irritated and angry, as the tiaratop channels her more negative, repressed emotions to the surface and encourages her to act on them. One good way to solve this issue is for good old VRISKA SERKET to snap her fingers and send her off into dreamland. At least it’s a solution once we roll the TROLLS line out. In the meantime, do your best corral her and knock her unconscious. That tiara will be firmly on her head unless you can get a talented techie around so utilize a JADE HARLEY, ROXY LALONDE, or DIRK STRIDER unit if you have any handy. Definitely give us at WHAT PUMPKIN a buzz to let us know that this mode is in play as it means we have a BIG PROBLEM on our hands. If necessary, we can send someone to do a hard reset and hopefully save Jane from Condy.  
 **Trying to bond with Jane and going down the baking route, but its so frustrating when she won’t let me do anything! I can’t even stir the goddamn bowl without her hip checking me aside. And god the amount of baking that she does! There's cake for days in here, more than what I'm even capable of stomaching! I feel like John on April 13th, 2009, sick of cake and miserable. What the hell can I do?**  
Whelp, we did warn you she was a stubborn gal who likes to be in control in the kitchen. Perhaps you need to casually approach the subject and explain you want to bond over a mutually shared project and her taking the helm all the time isn’t really conducive to the recipe of friendship. As for the mass amounts of deliciously baked treats...I mean if your appetite can’t cover it, maybe try gifting things to friends, donating to charity functions, or even starting a baking business with Jane. She’s got the know-how to run it and that may even mean you’d be able to pitch in more with her attention divided. Win-win! And honestly, why would you complain about too much cake? Do you know how many starving children there are who would fight tooth and nail for a single slice of baked deliciousness?   
**As much as I adore Jane’s robo pal, that rabbit is dynamite and constantly wrecking stuff in my house, slashing pillows, statuettes, and nearly chased off my delivery man when he tried to stop at the door. How to I keep him from destroying anymore of my house?**  
Aww Lil Sebastian, that delightful scamp~ He’s just performing his usual protective duties, DIRK STRIDER programed him specially to be walking, pintsized security guard for our heiress.

Not just Dirk. 

{Oh great its you again.}

Two Dirks were better than one to work on this project and I could get more done while he was sleeping or doing one of his long, dramatic anime shower monologues. So Lil Sebastian’s, formerly Huggy Bear, coding was less of a team effort and more me perfecting a thoughtful present with no credit to my name. Yeah sure Dirk handled the mechanics what with his ability to actually construct something with his fingers but his whole Secret Service to the Heiress thing was all my work. I still have remote access to Lil Sebastian as well and am even capable of monitoring things through his line of sight. 

{God that explains so much about how katana happy he is...And will you stop talking already?}

Just trying to clear up a misconception that I am an unfeeling AI. While Dirk does care about her, so do I. 

{...And he’s gone, good. Okay yeah, HAL helped too I’m sure.}

Anyway, Lil Seb is just doing what he does best, eliminating threats that could harm Jane, she has gotten quite a few mail bombs in the past so that could explain him chasing off the mailman {Which is an honest shame since mailmen are vital pillars of our community. Neither rain nor sleet nor murdering dog-alchemized SOVEREIGN SLAYERS nor meteors shall ever stop them from delivering the mail. I’m almost positive that’s how that rhyme went Emma, don’t patronize me.} He might be destroying some of your possessions as a way to alleviate boredom and he has a tendency to get antsy, so try and find a fun activity for a little robot rabbit to do and work out that jitteriness through some feats. Just don't have him chuck a fridge around {Yes Emma I know how ridiculous that sounds aloud, lay off.}

As per usual, you can reach Luis at our What Pumpkin’s Troubleshoot Office at XXX-XXX-0413 for any additional questions you may have. If he sounds a bit more frazzled than normal, that’s just him working overtime jazzed on coffee to finish up on the TROLLS lineup without delay.

**Final Words**  
We’d like to use this time and last space of the manual to pass along our gratitude for your continued support to WHAT PUMPKIN, whether it be from merely enjoying our content or purchasing products just like this very JANE CROCKER UNIT. We’re confident that if you can work around her sometimes bossy, take charge attitude and temper, you’ll be sure to be fast friends with this gal. Be prepared for flying cake or pie gags, baking binges, and some top tier problem sleuthing! {And hopefully we don’t get a repeat of earlier later.}

I wouldn’t count on that. 

{Oh god damnit.}

**Author's Note:**

> Really pleased to have gotten to the Alpha Kids~ Jane's always been a fav of mine and Hal kinda wormed his way into this and I couldn't be happier, even with him adding way more words than I expected, these manuals keep getting longer. Though should have seen it coming with the chattiness of Striders. And honestly, Jane deserves more content and love. Thanks once more to botgals for listening to ramblings and helping with this fic. Comments and kudos are always welcome.


End file.
